Minions

Minions

Rating 3 out of 10

I loved Despicable Me movies 1&2.  Both made my top ten lists the years they were released.  Unlike many I was not one that was amused by the little yellow Minions and had no plans to see this movie.  Sometimes you see a movie because the person you are with really wants to see it and there is nothing else out there.  This was that case.  If you are amused by the pill shaped yellow things that speak some sort of weird mumbling then you will enjoy this movie.  For me it was like watching someone scratch on a chalkboard for ninety one minutes.

This movie is intended to be a prequel to the Despicable Me movies.  It seems Minions just came walking out of the sea back in the dinosaur days.  They do not age or change in appearance.  Their goal is to find an evil person or thing to follow.  The movie follows along the years where they find despicable people along the way from a T-Rex to Napoleon.  They finally find the queen of evil in England who plans to steal the crown thinking somehow that would make her queen.

The plot is very secondary.  Again it goes back to if you think they are cute you will enjoy this movie.    I would have rather worked in the yard.

SELF/LESS

SELF/LESS

Rating 4 out of 10

I felt this movie had potential even though I put expectations on low going into the theater on a rainy Florida day during my sons baseball tournament week. A ruthless billionaire is dying.  He is approached by a secret group that has figured out how to transfer his brain functions into the body of a thirtysomething hard body to add an exciting 40-50 years onto his life.  Comes with a hefty price tag tho.  $250 million.  What the heck.  Can't take it with you.  Life is good at the start.  Driving a fast sports car and dating supermodel looking women.  What could go wrong?  Turns out he has to take a daily red pill to keep his brain in control of the new body.  If he misses a day he begins to have flashback memories of the guy who's body he has taken over.

As I said this movie had potential.  Good actors.  Ben Kingsley and Ryan Reynolds.  Flashy New Orleans scenery.  The problem is the story just turns into total nonsense.  Walking out of the theater I had this movie at a decent six.  Upon reflection later the rating dropped by two.  Tomorrow it may be three.

Ryan Reynolds tries.  He really does.  The story is just too silly for him to work with.  The way the cold blooded rich guy reacts once he realizes he is in the body of a real person rather than a constructed body is just absurd.  They charge $250 million a shot and do the operation in a sleezy warehouse with plastic sheeting for walls?

If you are a huge Reynolds fan you can wait a month or so and this will be out on Redbox. Otherwise just skip it.

Terminator Genisys

Terminator Genisys

Rating 7.5 out of 10

I am a big fan of the first two Terminator movies.  T2 would probably make my top ten of all time with T1 close behind.  T-G is no 1 or 2, yet I still found it entertaining.

T-G kinda throws all the other Terminator movies into the blender on smoothie then pours it into a nice sometimes complicated cup for your enjoyment.  This is still a bit of a reboot with new actors playing Sarah Conner, John Conner and Kyle Reese.  Arnie is back as as the main Terminator and does a fine job sometimes as the old Terminator and sometimes the young Terminator.

I'm not going to try very hard to explain the plot.  Partly because it would have spoilers and partly because I'm not completely sure I understand it.  Doesn't matter.  The movie starts with young Kyle Reese meeting John Conner and eventually becoming his number one man.  They do a good job of explaining how the machines ultimately take over.  Reese jumps in the time machine and follows the Terminator back to save Sarah Conner.  Only this time when he gets there things have changed a bit.

The goal is still to stop the evil Sky-Net and their computers.  The action is incredible.  The special effects are very good.  It's cool to see young and old Arnie fight.  There is time travel and things that go boom.

If you liked the other Terminator movies you will likely enjoy this one.  Not as much but you will feel you got your monies worth.

Max

Max 

Rating 6 out of 10

Taking the granddaughters to the movies.  Planned to see the animated film Inside Out, but it was sold out.  It was either this or Ted 2.  The girls were fine with the teddy bear movie.  I figured their mom would not be as thrilled.  Max it is.

Max is a military trained dog in Afghanistan.  His handler is Kyle who looks at the dog like family.  When he is tragically killed Max is deemed unusable by other soldiers.  They determine he will either be adopted by the Kyle's family or put down.  The family takes the dog in and puts Kyles younger brother with an attitude in charge.  The brother, Justin, at first wants nothing to do with the dog.  Later there is a side plot of bad Mexican cartels buying guns.

This is a cute enough movie that not long ago would be a Hallmark/Lifetime movie of the week.  It's mostly predictable but in a good way.  The acting is paint by numbers yet good enough.  Some actors you will recognize.

I was entertained.  Probably a good rental.

Magic Mike XXL

Magic Mike XXL

Rating 1 out of 10

Okay we know out of the gate when they did focus groups on this movie they didn't aim it toward 50 year old white guys.  I really wish I had listened.  I rented the first Magic Mike movie and found it to be all over the place.  Poorly shot and written by third graders.  Sad to say Magic Mike XXL is filmed just as poorly.  It looks like it was shot on my old betamax camcorder.  The third graders that wrote the first one were not available so they hired their younger brothers.  Even for this type of movie this is a waste of film stock.  I took my hot date to this movie and she was so bored and aggravated we left before it was over.  I'm sure we missed the big ending.  I'll have to live with that.

The plot, if you can call it that, goes like this.  Mike (Channing Tatum) has moved on from his exotic dancing and has a custom furniture business.  When the band of hunks roll into town on their way to a big male dancer extravaganza in Florida he decides to join in for one last ride.  They travel in a roach coach with plenty of unexplained stops along the way.  Kinda appropriate they ride in a roach coach as they take drugs and drink the whole way.

This is such a mess.  The dialog seems like it's made up on the spot with actors given a general idea what the plot is and told to improvise.  The dancing is pretty comical.

This was a total waste of money and time.  I was not entertained.

Ted 2

Ted 2

I have to admit I was not a fan of Ted 1.  I did not see it in the theaters.  Had no desire to.  My oldest son gave me his dvd to watch even though he was pretty sure I wouldn't like it.  He was correct.  I didn't care for it one bit.  Nothing funny to me with a cute teddy bear that drops F-bombs and smoked dope all day.  I am in Cincinnati watching it rain out my son's baseball game and went to Ted 2 because everyone else wanted to see it and there was nothing else on.

While I'd say for me Ted 2 is far from a good movie but it did have some very funny laugh out loud parts and it was better than Ted 1.

Ted 2 starts several years after Ted 1 with Ted marrying a way too hot female.  A year later Ted and wife are fighting like crazy.  Ted and his best buddy John (Mark Wahlberg) decide the best way to save the marriage is to have a child.  The problem is Ted is a teddy bear and has no male private parts.  In trying to adopt a baby it puts Ted on the governments radar who determines he is not human and now has no rights at all.  They are fighting it in court and lucky for them the pretty blonde lawyer (Amanda Seyfried) gets severe headaches and smokes a bong load of pot every evening.

Seriously if you go to this movie it's not to see a plot.  While still plenty of cussing and drug humor it is toned down a bit from the last one.  As I said there were some laugh out loud moments.  I was mildly entertained.  If you loved the first one you will undoubtedly love this one too.

Jurassic World

Jurassic World

Rating 7 out of 10

I have to admit I LOVED Jurassic Park.  I think I gave it one of my very few 10's back in 1993.  So the bar was set very high for this movie.  It comes close to the bar but in my opinion does not reach it.

With Jurassic World we fast forward 23 years from when the original Park went haywire and people were eaten.  They now feel they have it under control and it's been a type of Disney World with teeth for many years.  People flock to Costa Rica to see dinosaurs up close.  Little kids ride them like ponies.  People kayak along creeks with them.  Huge whale sized shark fish do tricks like Sea World. Already people are getting bored with dinosaurs.  The corporate types are feeling the need to up the ante every couple years to keep attendance up.  As you have seen in the hundreds of commercials to get people in the park they decide to create the biggest, coolest, meanest dinosaur ever.  Amazingly enough that doesn't go well.  People get eaten.

Million$ are spent on the dinosaurs.  No much was spent on the paint by numbers storyline.  I know, what am I thinking?  A complicated plot on a dinosaur movie?  They had a check list.  Need a heartless corporate type that only cares about the bottom line.  Check (Bryce Dallac Howard).  Hunky ultra-maintaince man type that cares for the toothy dinosaurs like they were his kids. Check (Chris Pratt). Evil military guy that only wants to get his hands on the dinosaurs to use at weapons even tho it makes no sense. Check (Vincent D'Onofrio).  Floppy haired kid that needs a hair cut and gets on Royce's nerves.  Check.

This movie moves well and there are some cool dinosaurs.  My movie buddy Ted would say I'm being way too hard on it.  I probably am.  I was hoping for another 10 and got a 7.  Was surprised the special effects was not really any better than 23 years ago.  Shows how incredible the original was.

Still well worth seeing.  I was entertained.